Review : IKEA Beds

IKEA sells the worst beds in Ireland.

Somehow their store strategy is aimed at making customers tighten screws all the time.

Each night I walk home from University, only to hear creaking beds and the rare groans. It shouldn’t surprise you that I live with a group of people in an age group where hormones rage and boundaries are a blur.

And the thought of getting up to a broken bed, or to have to tighten some screws in the middle of the night!  All that when you can tighten some really fleshy screws instead. Or explore the joys of being hard and wet. A day without a bed would result in such ravenous emotions. Sometimes the terraces suffice. The open air adds to the mood. Add some candles and chocolate syrup–the sperm race begins. Sometimes new students wander off to the terrace, only to come back with stories of unknown visuals. Some stay shocked, some experiment and some wonder.

Sometimes when a bed breaks, it leads to secret giggles amongst other occupants. You know the two have been hard at it. Mind you,that doesn’t stop the carpet, study table, kitchen top from being wet.

Yes, IKEA makes low quality beds.

Now who said good quality research doesn’t come from studying university sex trends?

Got boobs.Will succeed.

Partner and I land in exotic land of yogis. We are in the midst of a hectic nationwide city tour.

Head to the nearest railway station and want to book tickets. The line is a mile long and there is no vending machine whatsoever. We wait and stand in separate lines. Brainwave!

‘Where are you going? Those men will certainly not let you near the ticket window’

‘Wait and watch’

shakes head

Five minutes later I am back with tickets to our destination and a triumphant smile.

‘Should I thank the men who gave you permission to buy tickets or you and your guts?’

‘Nope. Just thank me. There nothing in this world a pair of boobs and curvy hips cant accomplish’

 

The Average Muslim Girl

1. ..will be under the strict eyes of her father for the first 23 years of her life. After that she will be subjected to the strict guidance of her husband. At no point in her life will she be permissionless, and free to do as she wants to do. (Why 23? are you fricking Kidding me? If that Muslim girl is older than 23 she is expired product on the marriage market!)

2. …will get to Ivy League in like a million light years. Those who have attended( including, touch wood, yours truly) are labelled as forward. And you thought Pramod Muthalik was your problem?

3. …will live with the belief that her religion is right. No matter what happens she must not question the belief. And if she so much as believes in another religion or decides to convert, she will die a gruesome death. You dont believe me? Pick up the phone and call your nearest and closest Muslim female friend and suggest the idea of conversion to her? She will say in casual and in very grave terms’ My dad will kill me or himself’.

4. …cannot go for overnight trips or take journeys without trusted males. Why? Because all the men in the world are going to rape that girl. And basically every transport system in the world is dangerous.

5. …will live her life thinking that the burkha and abaya protects her. Little does she know that the burkha wont protect her from marital rape. And godforsaken fucktards who say that Saudi Arabia has a low rape statistic live under a rock of their own.

6. …will read Jackie Collins and Harold Robbins all throughout school. In life she will know nothing like sexual satisfaction. Only abuse, hatred and sex when ‘he wants it’

7. …will leave all semblance of urban thought and modern ways for the husband’s good. How many Muslim kids do you know who have working mothers in corporate jobs? I challenge you to find more than five such kids.

8. …will never get her due for her intelligence. Just because she is lying unmarried, a Phd. will get married to a 12th pass. And then struggle every single day with her intelligence and his insecurities.

9. …will never be allowed to explore subjects like maths and engineering. And the ones who do so, will be labelled as foolish, since they have to ‘anyways be sitting at home and cooking’.

This list is really really long…tell me if you have any pointers.

And since you have read this, you might as well check out this link.  Gives you a fair idea of the fear and confusion in the minds of Muslim girls and what repressed sexuality can do.

Owner of Caves

Everybody needs a TV Mechanic. Even those that live in houses with manicured lawns and posh cars.

He worked part-time and charged a feeble amount. The neighbourhood loved him. Informal,congenial and very efficient.

The kids were in States and UK and he was their pseudo son. Wrinkles, walking sticks and an overflowing bank balance were his companions as he changed wires and repaired boxes referred to as idiots.

This boy is a shame. He is a stain to my manhood. He never does anything the way a man should. He will never ever get married. Such shame and pain he brings! Look at the size of his balls!  13 and growing and they look like seeds!

Why do you do this to him? We live in a chawl. What will the neighbours think? And he is just a curtain away! So what if he is sleeping?

You keep your meek thoughts to yourself you stupid woman! And be prepared for more kids. This one is no good!

Then one fine morning he disappeared. People started calling other mechanics for TV problems and forgot about him. The indispensable was suddenly replaceable.

Soon after that the accidents began. A broken leg, a twisted neck. Some of them fainted and died. They all were women. Surprisingly there were no robberies and the entry wasnt forced. The police contacted kids and they came back to fight for their property share with their brothers. Amidst lawyers, estates and multi-crore properties more deaths took place. It was as though all flights were headed to the same locality. Something was fishy, but no one could pinpoint.

Look at him…that shabby urchin from B-21. He is not a man, his dad says.

What rubbish? Who told you this? Too much gossip you have these days.

I live with 3 brothers. And I have sharp ears. He is kinda cute though. But a lot of people wont give their girls to him.

All this stupid gossip is silly. Let’s watch Star Plus now.

He made copies of keys during his repairing days. It didnt require too much force to open doors. He also knew which women took sleeping pills. He hated wrinkled skin. During the rush of blood, loose vaginas provided little comfort. His experimenting was successful. He knew his father was wrong. But how to prove that to his weird mind. Plus corpses had no feeling. He just wanted to feel for himself. Some of them were half awake. In odd moments they gave out moans. Then he knew they were alive and killed them first. He didnt want feedback. Just consolation from his own mind.  Thats why he preyed on desparate old aunties. Aunties with and without husbands. Some aunties had tight caves. Those were fun and difficult. Death sets in fast. The caves had to be explored quickly. Some wasted. Some fleshy. All dead.

For long he hailed himself as the owner of seventeen caves. Of his manhood. Until he was caught one morning.

He laughed. Now, everyone would know he was indeed a man.

A Numb Wedding

Weddings are made in Heaven.

Yells the red card in the local greeting card store.

They say that weddings are made in heaven, but last week a friend got married to hell. Okay I am sorry. Thats not what her better half is. He is an IITian. He has a house in Cuffe Parade. His dad has given him a property share of over 30 crores. he is okay looking.

So why is she married to hell again?

Ok so you didnt get the point as yet? You see, the friend married all the externalities. She and her parents got married to the guy’s conditions, not the guy itself. So it doesnt matter that he doesnt have the same interests as she does, it doesnt matter if his only desire is to hold her hand and whisper cheesy lines. It is also immaterial that the guy she loved for 8 years stood in the same wedding hall and watched her get married to someone else.

Is this where you get judgemental? Is this where you say that the guy who loved her didnt have the balls to marry her?

I would have said the same thing if the Oh-SoGreat-Almighty god wouldnt have come in between. You see, my friend and her boyfriend loved each other very much. Their love was as fresh as the monsoon rains on dry earth and they loved each other like no two people on earth. And its not about guts or glory or the world.

Its about the stupidity and prestige associated with god. Yes the god that you write in capital letters. The god my friend’s parents worshipped like there was no end in sight. Not in a fanatical way, but in a way that tramples dreams and leaves dry tears behind. For that omnipresent god, my friends parted ways and took the burden of distance and incomplete love.

My friend was a Christian and her boyfriend was a Hindu. In so many different contexts these things dont matter, but in the face of parental opposition and things known as prestige, love had to bow down.

Isnt it funny, we want art, music, movies and even love to bow down to the supposedly great god? And when we do see love not fighting it till the end, we blame the lovers, saying–’Why didnt you think it through?’, ‘Why did they get involved in the first place?’.

What would you do? Would you be in love and risk the wrath of community? Risk the very real possbility of living in hiding? or would you bow down to the pressures and move on in life with someone more suitable? or would you move on in life with someone well-packaged?

How long is it when we decide we are out of love? and in the face of an adversity like god, how does one unlove someone else?

The Average Muslim Guy…

…is a sucker for female attention, especially his mom’s.

As a girl from the same community and as someone who has widely travelled the world, I have always always found Muslim guys to be Chauvinists. And their moms, to be even bigger chauvinists!

Heck, in our Ivy League education syllabus they should have taught us cultural divides. But all they did was to teach us the economics of the world.

Plus us over educated girls are no match for guys desparate to run to the Gulf, even if it means going there in their underpants.

Have you ever met the average Muslim guy? He will always have a domineering mother or a cruel father. They will generally have a pretty fair idea about the restrictions they are going to place  on the girl they marry. And no matter how non-stud like they look, they will want a Scarlett Johannson look-alike. Of course in a burkha, you silly! You actually thought that a Muslim guy is capable of displaying the ONE treasure in the world that is his, his wife? Nah, dont expect that from them! They will want to hide their woman and their one in a million beauty from the rest of the world, but guess what ! Behind the veil, the lucky woman gets to fantasise about a guy’s butt in a mall! Whereas the local population can see a man walking with a black penguin, stottering about with three kids.

Why 3? Because the first two were girls. And the third is thankfully a boy. Even if the third child wasnt a boy,the average Muslim Guy will be banging his wife till she gets a boy out. After all thats her lot in life. And we talk about human rights abuses in Palestine! Sigh!

Now the mother. The average Muslim guy is raised to believe that women are slaves. And that they are meant to cook,clean and reproduce. They should not for a single moment believe that any of those activities are creative. Which means if a woman likes to cook and wants to make money out of it she wont be allowed. She is belongs wholly and completely to the LORD! The mother, who could have well married her son, has the final verdict on when they will have sex, how many kids to produce and how much salt to put in the home-made bread.

The average Muslim guy is average so far, except for his brain. That unfortunately is below average. That means he will have a copy cat sense of dressing and all that jazz, but when it comes to being employed, he will keep complaining about how the entire world is against Muslims! Thats why, none of the Muslims occupy major government posts in non-Muslim countries. None of the Muslims are in the armies of non-Muslim countries. USA and Israel are the culprits for EVERYTHING in a Muslim man’s life!

Final advice : Marry a Muslim man at your own risk. He is already married to his mom, his chauvinism and his victim self.

P.S.–for comments that say, ‘there are exceptions to the rule’ pls refrain. The exception pool isnt large enough to be a majority!

Fire in the Fort

At 12, I discovered the broken fort. It had no floors. It had no grandeur. Just old, dilapidated and lonely. When I ventured out of curiosity I saw shadows and I heard sounds.

At 13, breasts happened. And so did He.

We fought all the time. He in his resplendent aggression and I with my logical self. We hated each other like there was nothing to hate in the world. I hated Him for his unkempt self, and how He humiliated my shielded personality in front of others.

I hated him all day and I stoked fires for him all night. I woke up everyday of my adolescence wishing he would burn with me. Wishing he would explode my insides. I woke up, and my demure and logical self hated me.

The resistance continued till 16. And then rains happened.

The weather threw back the curtains of clouds and sent down a fury of water. We were vulnerable in the school. All of us. I ventured out to the fort. My only place of refuge, which wouldnt drown me. A shadow followed and in the bleak light of the alley I saw his face. I hated the sight of it. I hated the way we walked towards me.

Once inside, I sought a corner and stood still. I was wet. With water and fluids. I could feel his manly self near me, his strong whispers.

‘I know what you want’

‘I hate you. I dont ever want what you want. I want my selfish soul to be satiated.’

‘And I want to be one with your selfish soul’

My breath raced as his hand moved around my body. He squeezed them and I moaned in pain. The rain lashed the walls of the fort and he ripped me apart. The throbbing of all those years was confined to my gasps and his dirty talk. He bit me in places, which I didnt know existed. My walls ached for flesh and my pinned hands yearned to hold his body. But the animal was selfish. Just as I wanted. I pushed to take control, but the bastard was furious. I was all his. Every depth of mine was his. He tore the last curtain of my body. He didnt care about blood or my screams. I was hurt and I screamed for more. The rains dwarfed my calls and he pushed harder. He felt proud to own my cave and I was proud to be his .He owned me that night and I got my revenge.  He turned me over and I moaned yet again as he entered me fast. He hurt me and the water calmed me down. By the time we were spent, the water had receded and we lay discovering new worlds in the light drizzle.

Why?

This is where I will unleash my hidden fires. Where I will break all societal barriers and yell out loud to the demons within. Where I will walk nude. Where I shall show the world the hypocrisy and the lies that exist behind the shimmer.

This is where my revolution will take place.

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